COUSINS (Part 1 of many)

The economy of children is all about bartering. They’re like old world traders, sailing from port to port and negotiating goods for goods.

While in Statesville (my husband’s hometown) at the pool for Memorial Day weekend, I watched my son swimming with his cousins. They are three boys, all under ten years old. They kick their feet at each other, splashing water everywhere — spraying each other overtly in the face, laughing like hyenas and generally creating chaos, setting the vibe for those around them.

“I’ll give you this one for the one you got,” one kid who’s caught the vibe says to my son. The supersoaker for the pump blaster, as they have dubbed these squirt guns.

It’s Battle Royale/Lord of the Flies/Hunger Games poolside as the trade is accepted. Game on.

I admire the pluck of my boy; he’s definitely a negotiator. What is it about children that when we’re young, we form these little gangs? Looking at these kids playing, I can’t help but think of me and my cousins. Growing up, just kids being kids. Your first gang is either with your siblings, cousins, a mix of both, or your chosen family (also cousins – keep reading; we’ll get there).

pictured: Travaglini peoples. I’m the only female in the front row and at this point in my life, I’m also the only girl on both sides. When this picture was taken, that’s about to change and I’m soon to get a female on both sides. Hallelujah! My brother is in navy on the left, my father in navy on the right, my mother next to her mother to my right in the second row. My sweet cousins, whose names I will omit for now and until they say they don’t give a damn, are standing in the front row next to me. A moment of silence for my outfit. Harry Potter glasses were not in yet, and the rest of this outfit we won’t remark on except to say, it was also the exact outfit I wore when performing all five parts of the Spice Girls’ “Wannabe” solo for my school talent show in the sixth grade. I wore my nerdom like a badge of honor. Still do.

Blood

My cousins are shareholders of my soul.
Saswat Padhi

Your cousins are your brood, your pack. If you’re lucky like me, you’ve got two packs – mom’s siblings’ kids and dad’s siblings’ kids.

The NJ cousins once stood for most all of mine, but it didn’t differentiate sides, because both Festas and Travaglinis were from the Newark area. Now most of the Festa cousins are still in NJ (not to forget my one brave cousin who went way down south to Mississippi). The Travs are spread out in SC, NJ, VA, and Pennsylvania. I don’t see them as much as I’d like, but I hope to see them more often now that we’re getting some stability in our lives.

Now that I’m married, I get to add the Hansons to the mix and have inherited a third group of individuals. I have several gang alliances now. I love the tie in theme all three family groups seem to bring to the table, and that’s an undertone of mischief. Maybe it’s in our blood. I find it odd and interesting, and I wonder if you and your cousins are equally mischievous.

Here’s a list of things you might do with your cousins (or siblings):

take family vacations
spend holidays together
go to church/synagogue/mosque
drinking buddies!
experience your grandparents death and/or funeral
weddings and babies
road trips
bowling
movie theatres, and movie watching in general
pissing off relatives
hilarious impressions of relatives/inside family jokes
get each other with just a look
share info/stories/music/media
parties (Oh, do I have a story about a party with my cousins for another time.)
tell your deepest secrets to
grow together, apart (as opposed to growing apart, together – how I see many school friendships ending)

pictured: Festa peoples. I’m the one in the dress with the gun and that grin on my face. My brother is closest to the tree. At that time, the two cuties between us were our only Festa cousins. We’d get three more soon.

Cousin hierarchy and birth order, a theory

Heard of Alfred Adler and his theory of birth order? Well, it’s hit and miss. If you want to read about it, you may find a rabbit hole to wander down, but this is a pretty basic overview and how it may relate to your life as a sibling or a parent. And also a scholarly article on the empirical validity of his birth order theory in its entirety if that’s your thing (it’s one of my things!) to explain my hit or miss comment.

Here’s the trait breakdown that most Alderians agree on:

First Borns tend to be:

reliable
cooperative
nurturing
organized (?)
assertive
more likely to display signs of perfectionism

Babies (Last Borns) tend to be:

risk takers
sensitive
dynamic
messy (?)
creative
sociable

You can see I question some of these traits. There’s a lot of questions. And then what if the baby is also the second born? Or are those traits only valid for the middle child?These seem to differ from male to female children, which makes me question their resilience generationally. Would these same standards hold up to the younger families – Millennials with young Alphas roaming around?

Middle or second born children (I’ve established this doesn’t necessarily mean the same thing, right?) tend to be shy if they are male, but friendly if they are female. I am thinking about the causal and social implications of the theory and see that the results don’t just differ, they’re opposite. Alder goes on to say middle boys are impatient, but middle girls are patient. Again – questions. Last and most annoying to me, he says middle boys are quiet, and middle girls are loud. I am seeing a woman who has to be loud or else she never has her needs met in my mind. I am seeing my mother (who was a middle child), perhaps. I am seeing a boy who slips under the radar, intentionally, because he can do as he pleases.

Beyond the traits and whether they are valid, which I am less interested in, I am curious about the cause or implication of having these traits due to your birth order. I am wondering about the hierarchy of cousins (there is one) and whether these traits sort of cross over for those who are tight with their extended family growing up. I am very interested in this, which is why this article cannot be contained in one part.

I will say that there’s something that rings true about the oldest being reliable. They do take up leadership and responsibility for the others. They can also turn ringleader, no?

Chosen family are also cousins!

So, hear me out on this. Not everyone is close to their extended family. So we adopt our family. Your friends that are like family, your chosen fam; they are your cousins. Below I am pictured in another life (17 years ago) with a friend that’s part of my chosen family, and she’s wearing the same shirt I’m wearing in a different color, unplanned. Please notice, our hair is also the same strange hue. The more recent of the two photos is a goddess I met later in life, but forced her into the gang, and she’s here to stay.

I don’t really have more to say about it. It’s not popular at present outside of hip hop linguistics to use the word, “cousin,” this way, but they’re your people, your little gang you’ve formed just like those factions in the Battle Royale at the pool Memorial Day weekend. If you don’t believe me, look up the etymology of cousin. It’s been used to refer to anyone remotely familiar for ages – since the 14th century. Mic drop.

I just want to say, I have some hilarious stories about me and my cousins. I’m going to share them in the follow-ups to this post. If you get a chance this summer, visit with some of your cousins. It’ll be worth it. Despite the barter system, the economic warfare, and the negotiations, cousins are one of those few life relationships in a world where everything is transactional that are never transactional. They always have your back. Because you’re bonded. Because you’re blood or chosen. Things are done because they love you, no expectations or return of favor necessary.

He may look like a little smart alec, but this cousin’s a GOAT.

To all my cousins, I love you. More on you in part deux.