Hoard all the toilet paper. I’m kidding. Only sort of. I am serious about keeping your sense of humor. Oscar Wilde said you can’t take life too seriously, because none of us make it out alive, and I trust that dead poet. It’s vital to keep your laughter in your side pocket, even if you have a gallows sense of humor like this living poet, because it’s one of the only comforts we have when things get dark. As for the blog image, makes you wonder. Is it give us our daily bread and love your neighbor or every man for himself?

Preparing for lockdown

If you’re preparing for lockdown (the most hairy part of a pandemic, literally and figuratively) you’ll want to figure out these things:

1. Snacks. Super important. More on this later, see self care, inflation.
2. WiFi. A cable connection is an absolute must. The stronger the better. You will live through your technology. If you were a Luddite before, you may be reconsidering, and who would blame you?
3. PPE (Personal Protective Equipment) Now, if you’ve never been in a global pandemic, you may not be familiar with this term. Don’t worry; you will be. There’s a learning curve when it comes to pandemics, but PPE is vital to survival. You may not even know what you’re doing with it, but you should get as much hand sanitizer (hanitizer, if you will. My son and probably hundreds of other children have dubbed it thus, and it’s genius) as humanly possible. You can make your own, but I recommend the flowery stuff from grove.co (somebody is trying to be a grove ambassador). Face masks (preferably three-layered and homemade by somebody’s mom or gramma) and heavy duty cleaning supplies, like those on the EPA’s N List.
4. A Netflix and other streaming service subscriptions. I don’t know what your niche is Disney+, hulu, HBO Max, whatever… get them before they price gouge. (More on this later, see inflation.)
5. If you live alone, you may want to find some housemates. A pet or a plant will do if you’re a die-hard introvert. Those not seeking human companionship will want to re-up on craft or project supplies. Thinking of remodeling your bathroom? Get to Home Depot before building and lumber prices skyrocket, and you’ll be in DIY heaven (or hell) in no time!
6. Re-up on any medications. You’ll need them, especially if those you share your space with others that don’t understand boundaries, otherwise known as children and the occasional housemate.
7. You should probably grab some stuff from Michaels or the Dollar Tree like puzzles or craft supplies anyway, even if you don’t think you’re creative or crafty. Trust.

Don’t panic

You’re going to have to go out sometime. There will always be a lady at every church or in every neighborhood or office space willing to sew, knit, or crochet whatever is needed. A winter hat for the babies. A sweater for Bob who just found out he needs chemo. And in a global pandemic — it’s masks — hundreds of thousands of ladies at places of employment or holy temples sewing thousands of thousands of cloth face coverings at their machines.

So grab a mask from a nice lady at church, maybe she can hand it to you using a broomstick since you need to keep six feet of social distancing. It’s time to get shopping!

The first few shopping trips

For those of you who don’t have the budget to instacart, you must start at your local grocery store (I definitely don’t recommend Walmart during a pandemic) by waiting in oddly distanced lines for sani wipes. Once it’s your turn, grab several, and then wipe down your cart. Adjust your mask 1,000 times (you’re not supposed to, but you will) and if you wore glasses, laugh at yourself as you make your way through the foggy grocery store. Here’s a warning. You may be tempted to eat a mint under that mask. I wouldn’t do it. Wait until you’re back in your car. Combining and mask and that shit will burn your eyes out.

Don’t be disappointed if your favorite items like bread and potatoes are missing. There’s no turning back now! If you had your heart set on a bag of potatoes lasting you and your loved ones a long time, you’re right that would have been nice, but it’s too late. Try not to dwell on it and grab a bunch of nonperishables to stock your pantry for pandemic and nuclear winter before someone else can.

If you’re weirded out by eyeing empty shelves, glance at another human being and try to crack a joke. If you’re at a loss for words, you can do what I did and say, “This is nuts.” Grab bagels if there’s no sandwich bread. The guy next to you also settling for bagels may just laugh and add, “Absolutely crazy.”

Zoom meetings

The dreaded zoom meeting! Are you on with your coworkers? Finding someone to text while you’re in the meeting is helpful. Are you on with your students? Depending on the age you’re either looking at a million tiny icons (middle and high schoolers) or that kiddo (elementary age) is showing you their stuffies, pets, you name it.

I have no advice for maintaining your sanity during zoom meetings. I can share that scheduling birthdays and holidays with your friends or family online might give you something to look forward to, and it’s always a good idea to shut your camera off before you use the bathroom.

The Big Stuff

If you’re #blessed enough to have an employer that cares about humanity, you’ll get to work from home. This is nice, unless you also have children at home. Then God save you.

If you’re the vast majority of the United States workforce, you’ll have to decide between the health and safety of your family and feeding your family. Heavy, I know. But until we can reform our workplace practices with flex appeal, you’ll need the next section.

Self Care

If you aren’t familiar with self care, you may be a Boomer or a member of the Greatest Generation. Here’s a guide to get you started. I can tell you that self care does not come naturally to all personality types and a lot depends on how you were raised. Those of us that believe we are always hustling need to learn the value of a nap, and those of us that believe a donut is a nutritious breakfast need to learn the value of an apple. These are some basics.

Tell you what, tune into Queer Eye (sorry, that link will only work if you have Netflix, which you should have by now if you’re paying attention) and get a live series of tutorials on self care. Let Karamo and Jonathan be your guides. You’ll find yourself a little more awakened, I believe, and you may just feel you’ve been taken to church. This woman sitting at her desk writing this usually feels the latter.

You may want to spice things up. Expand your hobbies. You decide what this looks like. I like to try my hand at recipes I’ve never tried before instead of sitting down and writing, because I’m ridiculous.

My advice? Stock up on everyone’s comfort foods and snacks, but then remember moderation. It may be mission impossible. Get out your favorite comfy pants and a tub of epsom salts for your feet. Start taking a daily walk or writing in a journal. Please don’t tell yourself that this is your only chance to finally start whatever project it is you’ve always wanted time to complete. You may just delay that two more years.

Inflation

Well now, you probably heard there was something that passed in Congress that will protect the people from price gouging, hmm?

You can’t rely on your government to tell you the truth. I’m not talking conspiracy theories here. In fact, I’m going deep into confirmation bias in a post for another day. What’s the difference between price gouging and inflation? I’m not sure, but both will happen. If you wait a few months, those prices are going up, and those companies know what people absolutely must have and what they will leave on the shelves. I’m talking to you, Bezos, with your Amazon Prime. Subscription rates are going up. Coffee is going up. Gas is going up. Snacks are going up, ya’ll. Damn them for making our Ruffles more expensive!

To balance all that out, you may be able to read a free e-book or two and sign up for a complimentary master class. Go for it.

Choose a side

You may feel compelled to choose a side. And you will. Just try not to make the polarization any greater than it already is. Try to choose the side of humanity, generally speaking. You know, all of us, together. One love. Sharing germs, a planet, a few words…